By Samantha Flax

(Editor’s Note: Samantha Flax grew up in New York, and after college moved to Minnesota to attend BLIND, Inc. She is currently a graduate student at the University of Minnesota pursuing a human rights degree. This is the winning piece Samantha wrote for our annual essay contest sponsored by our metro chapter. This reflection resonated with me and is a good reminder for all of us.)

So many of us do it all the time, at least I know I do. You are late for a meeting, you hit a person’s foot with your cane, you ask for an accommodation, and often without realizing it, you apologize. For me, and for many people I know, the words “I’m sorry,” slip from my lips often uncontrolled and often compulsively, with such frequency that it sometimes feels inevitable. I could go through some kind of unasked for social analysis about the fact that this phenomenon is more common in women, people with disabilities, and other marginalized groups, but that is not necessarily my point. This message is for everyone. For my purpose here, I will be discussing an example related to my blindness, but I hope this message seems relatable to everyone.

Let me be clear, sometimes an apology is warranted, you hurt a friend’s feelings, you do not finish a task that was your responsibility, you sleep through your alarm and arrive late to brunch. However, so many times an apology is not necessary. This has been something I have struggled with for years, but a recent event in my life has caused me to revisit this point with a new conviction and perspective.

It happened several weeks ago during my first few days of graduate school. I am pursuing a Masters of Human Rights degree at the University of Minnesota, and one of the requirements for my program is a statistics class which is typical for a curriculum focused on public service and policy analysis. During my first lab for this class, I discovered that the statistical analysis software my professor requires us to use was not nearly as accessible with a screen reader as I had been led to believe. As the rest of the class followed the Teaching Assistant's instructions with what I can only assume were varying degrees of understanding, I sat with my professor struggling to keep up because I was trying to problem solve my way through an accessibility barrier instead of attempting to learn the material. This also meant my professor was spending her time trying to help me solve the problem instead of her original plan for the class. This was the moment I almost apologized. I felt bad. I felt guilty and frustrated that I needed help, and I felt upset she was spending her time trying to help me. But that is when I realized I had nothing to apologize for. It was not my fault the program was not accessible. I was completely in the right to want to take the same class, and learn the same material as all the other students. I did not need to be sorry that my professor was doing her job and being a good human by trying to help. We were both doing what we were supposed to, and none of the frustration either of us were feeling in that moment was by any means my fault. So instead, I thanked her, I let her know I appreciated that she understood the importance of accessibility and inclusion, but I did not apologize. I read once somewhere during college about the idea of saying “thank you” instead of “I’m sorry.” I strongly believe this is a much healthier statement.

I think this issue concerning apologies is indicative of a much broader issue. Sometimes when I apologize for a specific situation, it is because i feel guilty or out of place in a much larger context. When we apologize for asking for help, taking up someone’s time, or occupying certain spaces we are in a way implying to ourselves and others that we do not have a right to what we asked for. We all deserve to have equal access to spaces in this world. We have the right to have opinions and make choices, and have the opportunity to show ourselves and the world the awesome ways in which we can better each other, our schools, workplaces, and society as a whole.

From now on, when I find myself about to apologize, I will ask myself why? Did I hurt someone’s feelings? Did I do something I regret or feel badly about? If the answer to any of these questions is yes, I will apologize. If the answer is no, I will say thank you. I will thank someone for giving me a chance that I may not have given myself, I will thank someone for their assistance or time, but no, I will not say I’m sorry. I will accept that I belong in the places I want to occupy, that I deserve the chances I would so willingly give to others, and I will hope that you all do the same.